31 Weeks

 

Today I lost it. I actually tasted madness- all over some nasal spray. Yes, it is just as petty as it sounds. Did I mention I had pregnancy Rhinitis? If you don’t know what that is, you basically lose the ability to breathe through your nose. I am a nose breather. I can’t sleep with my mouth open, and mouth breathers drive me insane.

After harassing my GP for most of my first trimester I managed to get hold of a list of decongestants that are safe for pregnant hypochondriacs to use. I’ve never had any trouble buying any of these things, but I’d never sent the husband for them, and I must admit I completely forgot about his habit of substituting items I ask for. (Kind of like a shit version of Tesco home delivery- you know when you order shampoo and they send you a litre of vodka?) So, I send him a copy of the doctors list and asked him to swing by the chemist on his way home from work. He comes back an hour later than planned, like a conquering hero with a bottle of “purest French seawater”…….not the Sudafed he’d been send for. Fucking seawater. I tell you, in that minute, I knew how Jack’s mother felt in Jack and the Beanstalk when he swapped the cow for the magic beans. The fuck? “The girl on the checkout said Sudafed isn’t good for the baby” I’m sorry, pardon me, what??!!! At this point he twigs I’m about to heft my fat-self up off the couch and ninja kick his balls.

“Is she an obstetrician? A doctor? The pharmacist? A nurse? In possession of any GCSE’s? What? You don’t know…then why would you allow her to dictate to me, when you had a screenshot of the f’ing doctor’s letter?!?”

By now he’s retreated to his tried and tested method of dealing with my anger- defensiveness. “I’ve just drove round for an hour to get you that and it cost me £9, you’re so ungrateful. I’m never doing anything for you again”. £9 for a bottle of French seawater- they saw him coming! If I’d wanted to squirt seawater up my nose I’d have gone down to Crosby beach- it would have had the happy side effect of making me glow in the dark AND I wouldn’t have had to pay £9 for the privilege.

So into the car we all pile; him, me and the bottle of purest French seawater.  I waddle into the chemist and buy my nasal spray, without argument or debate. I don’t know if it was the look of death in my eyes or the fact that I had the seawater clutched in my hand as if I was going to drown her with it but she sold me the spray.

I’ve found café staff do the same- I ordered poached eggs a few weeks back and the waitress tried to tell me they weren’t allowed to serve me runny yolks. My daughter was with me at the time and did the teenage thing of trying to slide under the table…she saw the tic start in my eye…. “Are you telling me your eggs aren’t safe?”

Which brings me to my original point. Why, do people feel like they can dictate to you when you’re pregnant? It’s not like I was wanting 20 silk cut and a chaser of heroin. I’m still in possession of all my faculties, and given the fact that I am in theory an adult then surely I can decide what to medicate myself with- especially since I was following my doctors instructions!

I get that I’m delightfully rotund, and my bump gives you the idea you can comment on my life choices. Well you cant. A good rule of thumb when dealing with the pregnant and unreasonable would be to MYOB and sell me what I’m asking for, be it eggs or menthol spray.

I’m not always angry. Just for the last 8 months. It’s been a challenge of mine.